“Oh Captain! My Captain”, where art though?

I heard a quote last night just before watching Sherlock Holmes with my girlfriend. It was out of a trailer for a Morgan Freeman & Matt Daemon film called Invictus.

“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul”…

The line grabbed me, for only a brief second, but it struck a chord in me. Today as I jotted down some ideas I had about energy, improving my sociability and diet… a couple things struck me.

• Because I’m not eating healthy, energy filled foods, I have less energy to socialize and/or do rigorous activities with or without company.
• For more almost 15 years now, I’ve felt neither the master of my fate nor the captain of my soul.
• I like to play connect the dots with otherwise unrelated ideas. 

I remember the line playing once more at the end of the trailer. I liked the idea of it, almost a  self prayer, a spell or binding to affirm oneself. It struck me how it must change a person’s view of their world and how they see themselves in it when it’s repeated enough times... like a reminder to their inner person who the boss is. Lines like these scare me, they’re a reminder of how I’m not happy in my life because of my lack of will power. I’d like to say I’m in control, and for my day to day activities I am. But if my life were a billiards game, I wouldn't be able to tell you where the que ball will be if I knock in the next one. If, because my aim is good but not consistent. And even though lines like these remind me of my inconsistencies, they also remind me that when I’m not being lazy, and have the energy to focus, I'm actually a decent pool player.



So as a first step to getting back some sense of control in my life I’m going to start with the food. Over 15 years ago (GTFO!!! I was an adult 10 years ago!!!) I decided to do the same thing I’m about to do again… because, at 31, I’m around 50lbs overweight, lacking energy, am not as clear headed as I’d like to be, and have to fight back feeling depressed about it on a regular basis. It’s been my status quo since about the time I turned 20… which I suppose makes me an average 30 year old American. Have you seen how many energy drink commercials there are!?!? 

From time to time over the years, the thought of fasting has crossed my mind. When I was 15, I fasted for just over a week and followed it up with a clean vegetarian diet, loosing around 70-80lbs in the process. I have never felt as in control and happy as I did during those following 2 years. I've also never had so many girls flirt with me! For a 15 year old, I made some unimaginable changes to my diet, and consequently my perspective about life. Like for everyone else though, things changed. Not knowing how to maintain my discipline & determination into my adulthood, I slowly let my body (like my life) become overweight, cumbersome, and difficult to steer. 

A film came up on my Netflix que a few weeks ago that caught my attention (Fat Sick & Nearly Dead). It blew me away. It was a simple documentary about a guy who decides to visit from Australia and fast for 60 days. Of course, like the people in his documentary, I’d never heard of someone fasting for two months! When I decided to fast for a week and go vegetarian my family nearly staged an intervention! This guy does it for 60 days! But, as the he explains in his film, he’s been sick with an auto-immune disorder for over 9 years. He’s loved food since day 1, he’s fasted numerous times and knows he won’t change his habits unless he does something drastic. The documentary does what a good documentary is supposed to do, he sticks to the 60 days, gives a surprise twist halfway through the film, and then surprised me more by making me realize how envious I felt. I already knew I was capable of accomplishing what he was suggesting, and I wanted to have that look in my eyes again, the charisma he’s got because of how good he feels. I miss it.

This time around I’m a different person, my goals and reasons are much more complex than they were when I was 15, and hopefully more deeply rooted living 15 years closer to my mortality. I realized after watching the film, changing what you eat is the first thing you have to adjust if you want more control over yourself, no matter what the status of your health. I’m tired of feeling like I’m living in my own shadow. I haven’t made a goal sheet in years, but I think by the time I hit 35 it would be nice to be able to repeat “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul”, and know it to be true.